Better-Than
by Lucky Gun
Summary: Drinks in the dim light illuminate more than the alcohol in the glass between Joker and Kaidan. A meeting pours the footers for the bridges that bring Shepard back to the Alliance. Set very late ME2, Paragon FemShep/Alenko, pure 3 game Shenko. Some language


Title: Better-Than

Author: Lucky Gun

Description: Drinks in the dim light illuminate more than the alcohol in the glass between Joker and Kaidan. A meeting pours the footers for the bridges that bring Shepard back to the Alliance. Set very late ME2, Paragon FemShep/Alenko, pure 3 game Shenko. Some language

A/N: A prompt from Rocket Rochelle led me to this fun little thing. Also, heads up, my EMT class is an unforgiving master, so stories may come jagged or late. But please, read, review, or send me PM's with prompts. I'd love the challenge! As usual, references my other ME fics.

* * *

The bar was dark, and quiet, and very unlike most clubs on the Citadel.

This place was hidden on the backside of Zakera Ward, snug between two other dives and overlooked by the majority of the population. Generally speaking, anyway. It was a known location to Alliance officers, and the bouncers kept the place vermin-free as long as the tips were thick. There was an old fashioned Terran piano on a stage with a crooner singing alien tunes every night, a far cry from the dancers at Chora's Den or the music at Flux. Still, it was dark, and quiet, and it didn't remind him of anything in particular.

That was a win.

Kaidan was three shots and two lagers into his evening, which was altogether unusual for him. Alcohol and L2s didn't tend to mix all that well, but recently, more often than not, he could get away with it. This happened to be one of those nights. His veins were humming and his head was buzzing, and everything inside didn't hurt quite as much as it usually did, so he caught the bartender's eye and nodded once.

"Yeah, make that two, on his tab."

If his movements were a little sloppier than normal when he jerked on his bar stool, he didn't care. The voice was a ghost, something he hadn't heard since...Jesus, and the pain was back. Kaidan halfway stood as he turned and his hand gripped his glass tightly, eyes focusing quickly even in the dark. There was blue fog lifting from his skin, a clear threat response, and he let it.

The man in front of him wasn't someone he wanted to call friend. Not anymore.

Joker didn't move from where he was standing, looking tired and weary. But his body almost seemed to hum with a determined energy, and his hands were clenched into fists that Kaidan just _knew_ had to hurt. Metacarpals cracked as easily as tibias in the pilot, a fact that he knew from when they shared the deck and poker runs.

For his part, Joker just peered at Kaidan, scoffed at the biotic display, and sat down pointedly on the stool immediately next to him. He hobbled a little more than normal, something the staff commander took distant notice of, and it took a long minute for him to finally swallow back something that could have been pride and retake his seat.

The bartender was a wise old Turian who said nothing as he slid two brews into place, foam rounding the edges of the glass and ice crystals frosting the outside. There was a deep, pleasant sigh that seemed to bubble up from the lowest part of Joker's lungs, and he sunk deeper into his seat and palmed the glass close with both hands. He didn't raise it, instead rested his lips on the rim and slurped noisily at the thick head, and, against everything in him, Kaidan chuckled.

Joker raised an eyebrow and looked at him sideways from under the brim of his hat. "That sounded like it cost something. You haven't returned any of my messages."

Kaidan winced slightly and took his time sipping at his own glass before he finally replied quietly, "You're a terrorist, Joker. I spend my days training biotic soldiers and reporting directly to Admiral Hackett. You think they don't watch my comms? Especially with me and Shepard..."

There is was, hot and consuming, a mix of pain and shame and fear and rage all threatening to pull him down again. His eyes slipped closed, he bit his tongue, and waited for the wave to recede. It was getting harder to tread above water. It had been worse, so much worse, ever since the last time he'd held her in his arms.

"Hey, man, just breathe. It's okay," the pilot's voice was quiet in his ear, a hand on his shoulder, and Kaidan shuddered out a breath as he finished, "I haven't gotten a single message from you, Joker, not from any of you."

If his voice held a little hurt, a little pain, he figured he could blame it on the alcohol. But Joker cussed, something colder than normal in his voice, and he turned back to his beer.

"Yeah, well, that's the brass for you. I should've guessed they were sorting your mail. Can't speak for anyone else, but I've sent you a few dozen at this point. Especially after Horizon. But, uh...maybe it's for the best. I wasn't very nice for awhile after that."

He didn't speak for a long time, and Kaidan was thankful. He needed the time to get his thoughts together. That day...it was surreal, something like a nightmare then a dream then a knife in the chest that twisted when she smiled at him. She was so human, so alive, so close to real, and he had wanted to do nothing but fall down and sob two years of heartbreak out at her feet. But the relief was tainted by the logo on her armor.

Then there was the memory of Rachni over an admiral's body, husks and thralls spilling out of pre-fab quarters on green plains, and a soldier's shaking hand holding a pistol while screaming about thresher maws.

That year of chasing Cerberus around the galaxy and always being a day late and far too short had sandblasted the sight of her and ruined all of it. And he...sure, he could say it, he had loved her. Loved everything about her. There were parts of her that completed him so fully he didn't know how he'd moved without her aural blood in his biotic veins. And when she smiled, eyes dancing, he felt something dead in his soul spark alive.

And then she shifted and there was a blaze of gold flaring from a half-healed scar on her cheek.

More than anything, that was what had stopped him in his tracks. There was distrust and all the stages of grief ass-backwards, a river of psychology he knew and refused to acknowledge flowing through him. And Garrus was there – that fucking Turian who'd had her back with him from day one – and he'd looked at him with his eagle eyes and his talon had twitched on his rifle.

Garrus had wanted to shoot him. And Shepard...God, she'd waved him down without even a look, because _she knew_ too, like they all knew each other. Except for that black haired woman who had a disaffected tone and watched Shepard like she was a dangerous dog without a leash...she came closest to scaring Kaidan than anything else.

Because she looked at Shepard that way, and Shepard _knew_ , like she knew everything, and even though he could feel her biotics, there were walls there he hadn't felt before. The pepper of her shampoo was missing, the summer sun was shadowed with clouds, and everything else was dim. The only thing that blazed through cleanly was the feel of his own hand in hers even though they'd been clenched into fists at his sides.

Fuck, he hated her. And loved her. And hated himself for loving her still.

"She's off getting supplies. We're, uh...we're going through the Omega 4 relay tomorrow."

Kaidan stopped breathing then, his fourth lager raised halfway to his lips, and he stared at nothing while green eyes flashed in his mind. Omega 4, a red energy mass effect mystery that had claimed the crews and captains of untold numbers of ships, and she was leading her...her _family_ through it?

"Bullshit," he finally muttered darkly under his breath, but Joker was unfazed. "Yeah, that was my reaction when our fearless commander gave us the rundown. Course, that was when the Illusive Man was leading her around with that collar around her neck."

Here, Kaidan paused, turning his head fully before he remembered he was supposed to hate her. Joker let his curiosity boil for a second before he explained, "Cerberus spent two years putting her back together, Alenko. For two years, she was a shattered puzzle. And when they finally woke her up, it was because the station was under attack and they needed her to save their collective asses." There was something unusual in the pilot's words, something both dangerous and mournful, and he added bitterly, "Then they held me over her, and then when Garrus signed on, Tali...every time she thought she had enough to get out, there was another mission, another piece of her heart caught up in it, and she couldn't walk away."

The Turian barkeep soundlessly dropped them off another round, and Kaidan stared at the bubbles rising in his beer for several quiet minutes. "Of course, after she came back from Alchera last week...I don't know, Kaidan."

There is was again, the knife in his chest, but this time he could hear her gasping sobs as she suffocated, and he felt the searing rage and loss as he found Joker alone in that escape pod. His voice was strangled as he breathed, "Why did she go back? There's...there's nothing there."

Snorting something very colorful, Joker chugged his second beer and signaled for his third. "Yeah, thank your dear friend Admiral Hackett for that. I don't...I don't know. Maybe he was testing her loyalties, maybe he just wanted to punish her. I can't begin to figure it out. But he sent her a message asking her to...to retrieve evidence of the fate of the rest of the crew, and to place a memorial at the crash site."

This time, there was a sort of coldness in the man's voice that Kaidan hadn't heard, ever.

"I chickened out. I should've piloted the shuttle down there, but I...God, I didn't want to see what was left of that ship. And it was freezing on that planet but she was down there for _hours_. And she came back with a fist full of dog tags and her old N7 helmet and hypothermia. It took the doc a bit to get her back to full health, but Shepard...she hasn't said much since then."

This time, when the bartender moved to replace Kaidan's beer, he shook his head. He was unsteady enough inside; he didn't need the added challenge. The two of them were silent long enough for Joker to finish his third beer and order and down a shot.

Abruptly, Joker turned fully on Kaidan and his eyes were brimming as he whispered, "We're going to die, Kaidan. We're going to die, and she's going to have _fought_ for nothing, and if she survives she's going to be _left with_ _nothing_."

Stunned, it took the staff commander a few heartbeats to finally raise a hand to the other man's shoulder, so similar to his...friend's movements earlier. And something else remembered came through, and he spoke words that didn't hurt as much as he thought they should have. "Everything will be fine, Jeff. You'll...you'll figure it out. You all will."

But Joker shook his head and the film lifted from his eyes and he was firm as he said sharply, " _We_. You're not on the ship, Kaidan. That doesn't mean you're not still part of the crew. _We_ will figure it out. And if the rest of us don't make it and she does...promise me you'll use whatever influence you have, call in whatever favors, to make sure they don't execute her. Make sure she doesn't get a wild hair to finish the job herself."

It had been there since Anderson had tried to nip it in the bud, the fact that Shepard working with Cerberus was a capital offense, but still, rumors swirled. Mostly, they came out of Udina's office. But this other piece….he'd seen Shepard down and out after Virmire, had seen a lot of darkness in her eyes. But what Joker was saying, what he felt he had cause to warn him about….

"Goddammit, Alenko, promise me!"

Blinking back something that could have been liquid emotion if he was actually feeling anything other than painfully numb, Kaidan finally jerked his head in a simple acquiescence. "Joker, I promise I'll...do what I can."

Some of the frantic fear in Joker's eyes faded, and he huffed a laugh and scrubbed his hands over his face, a tremor rolling through him. "What you can. Good...good. That's something." He turned back to the bar and stared at the woodwork for a few moments, and the silence between them was familiar. It wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't awkward. It was something close enough to normal, though, that they didn't argue with it.

Then, without warning, Joker scowled at nothing and stood, palming a credit chit and dropping it on the counter. Kaidan jerked in place, aware and mentally acknowledging that this encounter, unwelcome as it had been, he didn't want it to end.

But Joker was tabbing a comm in his ear and spoke just loudly enough for Kaidan to hear him.

"Yeah, I can pick up Thane's meds, Edi. Last I knew he and Samara were with Shepard in life support control, doing some sort of meditation. Tell Garrus I got his thermal clips and had the techs double check the forward battery upgrades. Yeah, they checked out, just like you said. Send a message to Kasumi and Zaeed and make sure they know – yeah, exactly. Tali, Jack, Jacob, and Miranda were heading back two hours ago, so they should be getting there soon. Grunt and Mordin didn't take the leave?"

The conversation was quick and quiet, and the little grin he got when talking about the battery upgrades was...unusual. It made Kaidan wonder who the hell...just who all these people were that were supposed to have Shepard's back. Joker made a sound of affirmation, then his hand fell, and he groaned.

"Who...can you trust them? Are they loyal to her?"

The question was hard to ask, mostly because Kaidan didn't know if he wanted to know the answer. But there was a nod from Joker that was immediate enough that it stemmed the tide of fear inside of him.

"Yeah. It took awhile. Hell, took a lot of jumps and dealing with shit that Spectres, dead or otherwise, should never have to worry about. I can tell you that the commander looks great in a little black dress, that she can take down a thresher maw with a pistol, and that she's got the mental fortitude to beat an Asarian serial killer at her own game. I can tell you that Tali and Garrus...they'd have killed for her before, but now, they'd die for her. And Jack...that's a hell I didn't think would ever be cooled, but Shepard found something human in her and brought it back. She can keep Mordin from talking himself to death, which is a plus across the board, and keep Zaeed from spacing anyone. Thane...no question, they've got a bit of a soft spot for each other," Joker rambled as he sat back down again, surrendering to his aching limbs.

The sharp bite of jealousy jolted through Kaidan before he had a chance to stop it, even as he tried to clearly remember everything being said. He was ever a soldier, and this was intel. Even so, he felt the flash of anger and sorrow flare behind his eyes, and he swallowed hard.

"She...she's happy?"

If his voice was softer than usual, he wouldn't admit it. But Joker caught the tone, looked hard at him, then let out a laugh that had to hurt his ribs. "Oh...oh God, no. Kaidan, Jesus...no. Ha ha ha! No...Christ...that would be a match." He chuckled again, and, for his part, the staff commander was trying to figure out exactly what was so damn funny. Joker guessed at his question and waved a noncommittal hand in the air as he explained, "Thane's a retired assassin who's got a terminal illness and a helluva lot of regrets. He and Shepard run through breathing exercises and memory control techniques while they try to figure out how to make it through missions without leaving any more corpses than necessary. She saved his son from a stupid mistake and now Thane, well, he owes her."

It was out of Kaidan's mouth before he could stop it, borne of relief and something deeper: "We all do."

This silence was comfortable, and Joker finally groaned and ordered another drink while changing his chit. "Edi's gonna kill me for being late," he muttered, and Kaidan accepted the bartender's offer and the two of them started on another beer while he asked, "Edi? Another soldier?"

For his part, Joker actually blanched, and he was silent long enough that Kaidan knew he was trying to figure out what to say and exactly how to say it. "Uh, not quite. She's, uh, she's the Normandy. Or, at least, the AI. And, uh...well, when the rest of the crew was kidnapped by the Collectors two days ago, I sort of...I had to unshackle her to save the command crew."

Kaidan choked on his beer and coughed hard, eyes watering as he stared at the pilot. "The Collectors did what and _you did what?!"_

It was hard to tell which part of the situation had him more concerned, but Joker just nodded. "Yeah. They came in and took the crew, from Yeoman Kelly all the way down to the Chakwas." Kaidan frowned, remembering the woman who had medicated him through a hundred migraines, and realized that there were...there were good people, _better than him_ , inside Cerberus.

Horizon tasted like ash in his mouth.

"They disabled the ship, boarded, did their thing, and took off. Shepard and the rest of the command crew were on the way to another mission, but after Edi got us out of that shitstorm, we booked it to a dead Reaper, stole its IFF, and we're, well, we're here. We're settling affairs and leaving messages and just...just getting ready to die."

Kaidan stared, beer forgotten, and Joker was frowning at his own glass like it had insulted him. Then he stood, absently shaking his head as he murmured, "This...this wasn't a good idea."

Standing himself, Kaidan grabbed the pilot and asked sharply, "Joker, why the hell did you come here?"

Joker wouldn't meet his eyes for a long while, the two of them standing silent in the dim light, and when he finally looked up, there was an apology in his eyes that didn't quite make it to his tone.

"I hacked her terminal. I shouldn't have, but I had to go to her quarters to give her a datapad and I saw…she's got your picture on her desk, Alenko. And the image is burned into the screen. She never turns the damn thing off. So just remember...no matter if we come back from this or not, just remember that when everyone else was standing up for her, rallying around her, doing everything they could to help her...all she could think about was _the one man who didn't."_ Then the pilot's hand was on his omni tool, some data transfer blinking briefly, and Joker turned and hobbled away.

It took Kaidan a bit more liquid courage to head back to his apartment, everything about him upside down and foggy, and when he got there, he toyed with deleting the file that had popped up in his system. Then he steeled himself, opened it, read it, read it again, and spent the entire night convincing himself not to eat a bullet.

 _Subject: None_

 _From: Shepard, CDR_

 _Kaidan,_

 _...Jesus, this is stupid. Thane told me to dictate this, suggested it in words that made it seem less like an option and more like I was the shavetail louie and he was the gunny. But he's learned to read me pretty well, damned little bastard. Guess I should give it a shot._

 _...Kaidan,_

 _I hope you're doing well._

 _...Okay, that was weak. Um...I hope your promotion hasn't gotten too stressful. I know you deserve it, same as you deserve the respect of Hackett. I'm sure he's kept you close, and I'm worried...yeah, a little more than worried that Udina has got his eye on you too. Ever since you stood up to him when they locked down the Normandy after we tracked Saren to Ilos, he's kept track of you._

 _God, the Normandy. Should I even say that? Or….well, she's still...the SR2? Or maybe I should just rename the damn ship._

 _extensive silence automatically cut from dictation_

 _I put the memorial in front of the hull piece. You'd...you'd have approved, I think. It was so cold there. Had to chisel a few dog tags out of the ice. The CIC was gone, but the galaxy map was still recognizable. The cargo bay...God, this is so stupid. Why the fuck -_

 _user edited_

 _Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. Ashley, her table was still there. Do you remember when we would hang out down there and work on mods and just...we were just soldiers then. Spectre or not, we were soldiers, and we had soldiers with us. Now it's me and thieves, assassins, mercenaries, and so much worse. They're...okay, maybe not good. Especially Zaeed. But they could be. I've done what I can for them. It's not much, but maybe, if we survive this, they can do something with their lives other than what they've had to do so far._

 _Survive…yeah, poor choice of words._

 _It's a suicide run. We all know that. I haven't said anything about it though. We thought Ilos was the same and we all came out of that okay. Maybe I keep thinking it'll be like that._

 _But you're not here, so how can it be the same?_

 _Between Tali and Kasumi, I think they were bound and determined to get me set up with Jacob. Or Thane. If it wasn't for a certain Quarian's poorly hidden interest, I think they'd even have tried to get me with Garrus. But Garrus gets it. And Joker. Hell, Edi had it figured a long time before any of them._

… _.I don't know who put your picture in here. I doubt it was the Illusive Man. Maybe Kelly used that psych degree of hers and got it put in before I woke up that first time. Miranda...before, I would have said she wasn't human enough to do something like this. But then I met her sister, and...maybe? But she's also the one who wanted to put a control chip in my head to make sure they could keep me in line._

 _Hell, Cerberus having a gun on Joker and Tali and Garrus, that was control enough. Then the goddamn Collectors came after you on Horizon and I thought...Jesus, I thank Christ every day that they didn't take you. But the Illusive Man...he didn't care to hide the threat during that debrief. I asked Edi to make sure you were okay._

 _I saw the bar tabs, Kaidan. And the excessive time at the shooting range. You're doing great things with your biotic division but you're not taking care of yourself._

 _I'd give everything to have you here. But after Horizon...well, that was pretty clear._

 _extensive silence automatically cut from dictation_

 _I should, ah...yeah, I'm not sending this. Thane can bite me. Joker's on his way up with a report that I should file before we get to this dead Reaper. If the IFF is intact, then we're heading to the relay soon. I already told Cerberus that they can go fuck themselves; I'm giving the command crew twelve hours on the Citadel before we head through._

 _It weighs, I won't lie. Every second we delay, more of the crew could be dying. Karin, Kelly, everyone who was just...God, Collectors are damn good at what they do. But they're going to die if we are so burned out we can't even hit the relay right. They're going to die if we can't shoot straight. They're going to die. We all are._

 _I'm doing to die._

 _There's not going to be any Cerberus on the other side of it this time. I'm...I wasn't before, but now I'm thankful. I'm so...I'm so tired, Kaidan. Before, it was a team, all of us...you and I. And now, it's me against Cerberus, my team on a block with a noose around their throats, and I keep holding them up and where you used to be…it's so damn empty, it reminds me of that vacuum over Alchera._

 _So let me go fight the good fight, keep as many of these people alive as I can, save as many as possible. That's my job._

 _It's all I've got anymore, and after Omega...one way or another, there's not gonna be anything else after that._

 _Shepard, signing off._

* * *

The next day, Kaidan wrote out a formal request for a hearing with Hackett and the Admiralty and started pulling everything he could think of for evidence. He made a few calls to some people who could help – Sha'ira, Elias Keeler, and Emily Wong to start – before finally heading to Anderson's office. The man was more or less expecting him, though his focus was on the view of the nebula outside the station, and he didn't turn to the staff commander as he spoke.

"The Normandy left the Citadel fifteen minutes ago. It transmitted a flight plan to the Omega system."

Swallowing hard, Kaidan ran a hand through his hair and said quietly, "Joker found me last night. They're going through the Omega 4 relay. They're hitting the Collectors' home base, sir."

Anderson gave a little bit of a nod and responded, "I know. She sent me a coded message just before they left. It was a request for a pardon for any surviving members of her crew as well as a handwritten list of her crimes since joining Cerberus. There was an attachment with a few thousand pages of Cerberus codes, files, the Normandy's particular VI situation, and security information that I've forwarded onto Alliance Intel. She also….she also requested we remove her name from the list of crew killed above Alchera, as well as scrub her from the listing of Spectres." Here, Anderson turned, and there was a heaviness in his gaze that Kaidan felt to his heart.

"Either way, she's planning to die, Alenko."

Averting his eyes and forcing his tongue to work, Kaidan responded, "I know. Joker told me it's a suicide run and she doesn't plan on making it back." Then he stood straight, put some strength that sung of _Shepard_ in his stance, and added, "That's why we need to make sure she has something to come back to."

Raising an eyebrow, the human councilor stepped towards his desk as he continued, "I've already applied for a hearing with the rest of the Admiralty regarding the situation. I'm filing a motion to dismiss any and all charges and I lined up half a dozen character witnesses this morning. Between what Joker gave me last night and what she gave you today, we should have a case."

There was a twinkle in Anderson's eye as he sat down in his chair and regarded the staff commander. "If she is able to return the SR2 with its AI intact, that will give us a huge bargaining chip in her conditional release and reinstatement in the Alliance."

Kaidan nodded and added, "Joker mentioned some upgrades they've been working on with it to help it survive what the first Normandy didn't. He also told me she's worked with the crew to get them as ready as possible for this mission. If anyone...if anyone can make it, sir, she can. We have to move forward with this."

Anderson inhaled slowly and deeply as he shut his eyes, and Kaidan stood silent, waiting. He had taken a huge gamble and acted far outside his paygrade, but this….this was worth the risk.

She was worth the risk.

* * *

Subject: Fight

To: Shepard, CDR

Shepard,

I just had a productive meeting with Staff Commander Alenko. The man is well-learned in legal tactics; could be why Udina is so interested in keeping him nearby. Either way, we managed to get a rapid response from the Admiralty regarding a hearing request Alenko put in. They're considering vacating all charges against you, Shepard, provided you return. It won't be a full pardon, for reasons that should be obvious, but it will clear your name. Your crew, well, that will be on a case by case basis. But capital punishment is off the table, commander.

So you need to come home.

This whole mess has given the lot of us a new perspective on what exactly makes two wrongs a right. I'm willing to reconsider, as is Admiral Hackett. The fate of the galaxy is on a knife's edge, and we need you. We need you to come back, to fight with everything you have to get back to us.

Alenko….I'm sure my input isn't needed her. But the man's miserable and uses _Horizon_ as a battle cry. Remember that when you hit that red devil relay.

Fight, Shepard. Show us what an N7 Spectre is capable of.

 _Fight!_

\- Anderson

* * *

 _~ Better to fight for something than live for nothing. ~_


End file.
